The Scoop

As soon as our big news was out, I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief.  I don't like living in secrecy (or "living a lie" as I have sometimes described it :)  Though I admit this time it wasn't as hard to keep the news to ourselves.  Mostly, I think, because it wasn't on anyone's radar (I remember a time when I was careful about what I wore, or afraid to say I wasn't feeling good, because I figured people would assume I must be pregnant again!) Being away for 2 weeks over Christmas helped with the secrecy too.  And as the baby bump has become more obvious I've had the benefit of a winter jacket to hide any evidence.

Though really, the bump is not really "baby" yet...  I mean, the baby's in there somewhere... but right now he or she is just pushing everything else up and out.  By everything else, I mean a bit extra that wasn't there when I was pregnant 9 years ago for the first time...  But that's ok. The "bump" might be soft and squishy right now, but it's still evidence of a smaller being that is slowly overtaking my abdominal space.

With letting the news out, we've encountered the inevitable question: "Was this a surprise?"  Of course, with our youngest at almost age 4 (and all of them spaced about 2 years apart each), it's a natural question.  The answer, though, isn't a simple yes or no.

I always wanted to have 4 kids for as long as I can remember.  Erik was more on the 3-kid bandwagon in our early years but I always knew I could convince him to go for the 4th - especially since we both grew up in 4-kid families.  The whole time I was pregnant with Silas, I never once thought he would be my last.  And even the months after he was born, when the chaos of 3 kids took it's toll, I still planned to have just one more.  When Silas was about 2, Erik felt like it was "now or never" to go for that last one because he didn't want them to be too far apart.  But, I had just spent 6 years in the baby stage and really couldn't imagine going back to square one all over again at that point.  I started entertaining the idea that maybe I could be content with 3.  I should've known myself better - and that the contentment would be short-lived.  Over the next several months we started hearing of friends who were having a 4th baby.  I would see pictures of families with 4 kids and realize that I really, really wanted to be that family.  So, Erik and I agreed to let nature take its course and see what happened.  The last time we left it up to "nature" Silas showed up promptly 9 months later.  So, in my mind, the whole 4th kid was a done deal.

But then months passed.  And more months.  Silas turned 3 and I started to wonder if my vision of a 4th baby would never come to pass.  After a little research, we deduced that our "infertility" was likely due to a medication that Erik had started taking (and had to continue taking).  Pregnancy seemed highly unlikely after we made that discovery.  A whole year passed and then some, and I was wrestling between contentment with my current family (I felt so greedy wanting another one when I already have 3 healthy kids!) and the lack of closure (what if there was still a possibility of getting pregnant??).  I felt a deeper empathy for all the friends we've known over the years who have struggled with infertility for so much longer just to have 1 or 2 kids.  It struck me that even though I always felt like I could control the number of kids we had and how far apart they'd be... I really couldn't!  I had no choice but to surrender the outcome to God and pray that I would be content with his answer.

And then... all of a sudden, I was pregnant.

So, in a sense, it was a surprise.  A good surprise.  A hoped-for surprise - but a surprise nonetheless.  And the worrying wasn't over, because I was so very aware of the frailty of this pregnancy - having waited for it and knowing so many others who have lost their little ones.  But my pregnancy symptoms reassured me with their unyielding presence (Christmas was a bit nauseating for me unfortunately).  Then 2 weeks ago I heard the tiny galloping heartbeat for the first time - music to my ears.  And even though it seems insanely early, I can already feel this little one tumbling around inside.  (The midwife assured me that it was indeed possible and I wasn't losing my mind!)  So, slowly it is sinking in more and more that this is really happening.  And I feel completely and utterly blessed by this gift.

(As for the kids, their reaction is another story.  Stay tuned for the video we took of sharing the news with them!)