The Scoop

As soon as our big news was out, I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief.  I don't like living in secrecy (or "living a lie" as I have sometimes described it :)  Though I admit this time it wasn't as hard to keep the news to ourselves.  Mostly, I think, because it wasn't on anyone's radar (I remember a time when I was careful about what I wore, or afraid to say I wasn't feeling good, because I figured people would assume I must be pregnant again!) Being away for 2 weeks over Christmas helped with the secrecy too.  And as the baby bump has become more obvious I've had the benefit of a winter jacket to hide any evidence.

Though really, the bump is not really "baby" yet...  I mean, the baby's in there somewhere... but right now he or she is just pushing everything else up and out.  By everything else, I mean a bit extra that wasn't there when I was pregnant 9 years ago for the first time...  But that's ok. The "bump" might be soft and squishy right now, but it's still evidence of a smaller being that is slowly overtaking my abdominal space.

With letting the news out, we've encountered the inevitable question: "Was this a surprise?"  Of course, with our youngest at almost age 4 (and all of them spaced about 2 years apart each), it's a natural question.  The answer, though, isn't a simple yes or no.

I always wanted to have 4 kids for as long as I can remember.  Erik was more on the 3-kid bandwagon in our early years but I always knew I could convince him to go for the 4th - especially since we both grew up in 4-kid families.  The whole time I was pregnant with Silas, I never once thought he would be my last.  And even the months after he was born, when the chaos of 3 kids took it's toll, I still planned to have just one more.  When Silas was about 2, Erik felt like it was "now or never" to go for that last one because he didn't want them to be too far apart.  But, I had just spent 6 years in the baby stage and really couldn't imagine going back to square one all over again at that point.  I started entertaining the idea that maybe I could be content with 3.  I should've known myself better - and that the contentment would be short-lived.  Over the next several months we started hearing of friends who were having a 4th baby.  I would see pictures of families with 4 kids and realize that I really, really wanted to be that family.  So, Erik and I agreed to let nature take its course and see what happened.  The last time we left it up to "nature" Silas showed up promptly 9 months later.  So, in my mind, the whole 4th kid was a done deal.

But then months passed.  And more months.  Silas turned 3 and I started to wonder if my vision of a 4th baby would never come to pass.  After a little research, we deduced that our "infertility" was likely due to a medication that Erik had started taking (and had to continue taking).  Pregnancy seemed highly unlikely after we made that discovery.  A whole year passed and then some, and I was wrestling between contentment with my current family (I felt so greedy wanting another one when I already have 3 healthy kids!) and the lack of closure (what if there was still a possibility of getting pregnant??).  I felt a deeper empathy for all the friends we've known over the years who have struggled with infertility for so much longer just to have 1 or 2 kids.  It struck me that even though I always felt like I could control the number of kids we had and how far apart they'd be... I really couldn't!  I had no choice but to surrender the outcome to God and pray that I would be content with his answer.

And then... all of a sudden, I was pregnant.

So, in a sense, it was a surprise.  A good surprise.  A hoped-for surprise - but a surprise nonetheless.  And the worrying wasn't over, because I was so very aware of the frailty of this pregnancy - having waited for it and knowing so many others who have lost their little ones.  But my pregnancy symptoms reassured me with their unyielding presence (Christmas was a bit nauseating for me unfortunately).  Then 2 weeks ago I heard the tiny galloping heartbeat for the first time - music to my ears.  And even though it seems insanely early, I can already feel this little one tumbling around inside.  (The midwife assured me that it was indeed possible and I wasn't losing my mind!)  So, slowly it is sinking in more and more that this is really happening.  And I feel completely and utterly blessed by this gift.

(As for the kids, their reaction is another story.  Stay tuned for the video we took of sharing the news with them!)

Nomads No Longer

Over the last few months a lot has been happening for us - moving out of our house and in with Erik's family, traveling to Manitoba and then living with my family.

We've been like nomads; a family of wanderers, drifting from place to place, without a home to call our own...

OK, that's a bit extreme.

But there has been a sense of "homelessness" and the feeling of looking forward to getting our things out of storage and settling into our own space again.

The good news is that as of the end of August, we WILL have a place to call home. Because at the end of August, this beautiful piece of British Columbia will be in the possession of Erik & I, along with Erik's parents:

The four of us started looking at a property to buy together back in the spring and when this one came up, it had a lot of the qualities we were looking for: 5 acres of flat (useable) land, a shop, located on a quiet street, close to the kids' school, close to town... and LOTS of potential. Our offer was accepted the week before we left for Manitoba and Erik's parents' current house sold very shortly after.

(The property includes this field behind the barn - what we will do with this space is yet to be determined.)

The "new" house itself leaves a lot to be desired. It will be a "make-do" kind of situation for now until we decide on permanent changes. But we'll be able to create two separate living spaces that should work for everyone involved - at least for the short-term.

(back of the house)

Here's the space between the house and the barn.

This is the side of the house looking down the driveway towards the street. We're right at the end of a cul-de-sac, which I love.

This is the green space to the west of the house/shop/barn area. I'm excited to imagine the kids playing outside in this space as opposed to this space.

I'll share some indoor house pictures once we move in (let me just say the house wasn't the main drawing card for this property). So, stay tuned as we embark on this new adventure. Hard to believe we'll be living there just over a month from now!

The Seesaw of Indecision

Maybe some of you noticed that ever since I wrote about our life-changing plan way back in the fall, I haven't really mentioned it here again. I'm talking about the BIG decision about whether or not to uproot our family from BC and move back to Manitoba.

Ringing a bell yet?

Well (if I'm being honest) I haven't mentioned it again because, almost from the day I wrote that post, we have wrestled with huge doubts and indecision.

When we went to Manitoba last summer, things weren't going that great for Erik's business here (he's self-employed doing construction & renovations). Finances were tight and Erik and I were feeling the pressure of making ends meet. That made the idea of moving to Manitoba so appealing - the lower cost of living, the small town community, less pressure to "keep up"...

Then we came back to Abbotsford - with the full intention of moving to Manitoba as planned. We started telling family and friends, and we were living our lives with a "this-is-only-temporary" mentality. But, even though there were times we were in agreement about our decision, we spent most of those fall months riding the seesaw. We debated back and forth constantly. Sometimes one of us would feel totally at peace and the other one wouldn't, and sometimes we both felt confused. Overall, none of it felt... settled.

Then, maybe you recall Erik's knee injury in October. This felt like a frustrating set-back and we totally didn't know what God was up to. But, his injured knee forced him to hire some help at work. And so began a gradual shift in his business. Having guys working for him has not only made sense in terms of efficiency and money-making potential, but my very social husband realized how lonely and unfulfilling it had been to work by himself for so long. Add to all of this the fact that Erik has been getting more work than he even knows what to do with and his business has never been in a better position than it is right now.

We reached the pinnacle of our confusion right around Christmas time, and so one day Erik and I left the kids with his parents and spent the day together praying, talking and trying to hear what God might be telling us. I realized that day that I was totally willing to commit to (and be happy in) either location. I could honestly picture myself in either place. I knew at that moment that we needed to base the decision on Erik's work - not just where he could be the most financially successful, but also where he could be the most fulfilled. We didn't come home that day with a decision made, but that marked another gradual shift... an openness to the idea of staying.

And, slowly, as the idea settled into our brains and hearts, it really did just that.

It settled.

Ever since that day we have grown more and more peaceful about the idea of staying. Our conversations are no longer full of what-ifs. We're making plans for next year, for school and for Erik's business and for our next house. And there has been reigning peace in both of our hearts.

There is sadness in thinking of the many things about small-town Manitoba life that we will never have if we stay in BC - with the idea of living close to my parents and siblings definitely not being the least of them. But, our hope is that the future of Erik's business will provide us with the flexibility to spend more time there. In fact, we have plans to do a repeat performance of last year's trip to Manitoba. Erik has some work to finish on the cabin so we will get to enjoy another prairie summer with my family.

In the meantime, we're still planning to sell our house (ideally before the summer!), so if you think of us, you can pray that God would bring someone along to buy our place. It's not a good market for selling right now, but we know that God often likes to work with "impossibilities" and tight deadlines, so I'm just trusting that he is a part of all of this too.

And I'm just thankful we're not riding the seesaw anymore.

Baby Steps

A big decision has been weighing on our hearts and minds for the past several months. A decision that is both exciting and terrifying. A decision that we question and doubt on a daily basis. And for that reason, this post has been written and waiting in my "Edit Posts" page since September. And I'm only getting up the courage now to actually post it.

It started over a year ago (summer 2009) when Erik and I began talking about moving to Manitoba. Contrary to what many people think, the idea started in Erik's head. When he suggested moving to the place where I grew up, I think I laughed at first. It's not really out of character for him to make crazy and completely unrealistic suggestions. But he just kept talking about it. And I fought the idea all the way. The thought of leaving our lives in Abbotsford and moving to the town of Boissevain was just too... weird.

But, the idea grew on me over time. We even made a list of pros and cons when we got back to BC last year. But even though the pros seemed to lean towards MB even then, neither of us felt like it was enough to just pick up and leave. We decided to stay put and wait for more direction from God. The months went on, and pretty soon I had totally given up on the idea and was convinced that God wanted us to stay in BC. It seemed like Erik had several great job opportunities on the horizon... but, ironically, none of them really amounted to anything.

Fast forward to this summer. When we decided to spend our whole summer in Boissevain, I was totally "over" the idea of moving there. Instead, I decided that we were getting the best of both worlds - spending our summer months in Manitoba while still coming back to our life here in BC - perfect! In fact, I warned Erik on the drive out that he shouldn't get any more big ideas in his head about moving.

But in a matter of weeks (maybe even days) Erik was already talking about how much he would love to live there. Again, I fought it.

Just a little background here: In our relationship, Erik is the emotional, "fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants" one. I'm the cautious one. So while he was pushing ahead with his big vision for our future, I was pulling back on the reins. Hard. But Erik had some convincing arguments and slowly I began to see why all of his reasoning made sense.

One of the biggest reasons is the obvious ease of financial pressure - the unpredictability of Erik's business plus having a mortgage (on a tiny townhouse) in this insane BC market has been super-stressful on us. Another big reason was the change in lifestyle for ourselves and our family - moving from the city to a small town where our kids could go to the same school from Kindergarten to Grade 12 (the same school that I went to for 13 years!) and where we can be involved in a smaller church and a smaller community. Also, moving to Manitoba means being closer to my family for the first time (my parents live in Boissevain and my 3 siblings and their families all live within a 3-hour drive).

And no, I haven't forgotten about the prairie winters; though Erik actually considers that to be an advantage.

I'm not quite convinced :)

We've spent a lot of time talking with friends and family about this big decision. And most arrows seem to be pointing to Manitoba. Even after we've come back to Abbotsford and had many, MANY moments of fear and doubt and questioning, our times of prayer and journalling seem to keep bringing us both back to the same conclusion.

So, with fear and trepidation we are slowly taking baby steps towards making this happen. Testing the waters... and feeling a little fearful of diving in all the way. Today we put our house up for sale on Craigslist (click here to view). Not sure if it will amount to anything, but it felt like a significant baby step. Right now, our tentative plan is to move in the spring or summer.

Honestly, I don't feel like I have any unrealistic ideals and dreams about what moving is going to look like. My cautious nature might be at fault, but I'm kind of expecting the worst. Not sure if this is a good thing! But, I guess I'm just well aware that a big change like this doesn't come without some big bumps in the road. In some ways I feel like we're moving to a completely different country. Small-town Manitoba & greater-Vancouver BC are 2 entirely different cultures in a lot of ways. So, I feel like I'm preparing myself for culture shock, for loneliness, and for the feeling of not quite knowing where I belong. At least in the beginning.

So, we slowly step forward and put each decision and fear and dream into God's faithful hands. If you think of us, we'd appreciate your prayers; that we would have clarity in our decision-making and that we would trust God to direct us on this journey...

My Comfort Zone Expansion Project

I've spent the past several weeks contemplating a big decision. At least it feels big to me. And no - you Facebook commenters, it is not about whether or not to have 4 kids. (Besides, I think that decision has already been made... :)

No, this decision is more "career" based.

I attended a couple of Norwex parties over the last few months (courtesy of Rebekah) and both times came away with this overwhelming sense that, I could DO this. The feeling grew stronger over time and while I spent A LOT of time hemming & hawing over it all, I think I knew in my heart of hearts all along that I would end up taking the plunge and becoming a consultant.

For those of you who don't know me well, I'm not much of a risk-taker. I'm more of a play-it-safe kind of girl. And while this mentality has served me well in terms of keeping stress and trouble at bay, I would admit that it's been a little bit.... boring. Even lonely at times.

Of course, there have been times when I've stepped out of my comfort zone. Like when I was a worship leader at our church in Calgary (Erik & I have a good laugh when we think about this now), or when I tackled the task of teaching English to a class-full of Peruvians during our missions trip 7 years ago, or when I agreed to join family and friends on a ministry road trip in a small motorhome across the country with a 6-month-old baby (yes, that one really makes me laugh). But, since I've had more kids, it's been easy to settle into a very predictable rut. It's been easy to have a million excuses for not trying new things.

So, while I may or may not use this blog to promote the environmental, time-saving and financial benefits of Norwex cleaning products, this post is more about my journey of getting to this point. It's a decision that has become less about the products and benefits and more about God challenging me to try something new.

I'm not saying that God loves Norwex (though I'm sure I could make an argument for wise stewardship of our money, time & environment!) but what I am sure of is that God loves me. He loves me enough to gently coax me out of my rut and bring me a fresh challenge. A challenge that forces me to rely on him and trust in him (despite the fears and doubts that creep in); to believe that I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

So, yes. My journey to Norwex has been surprisingly... spiritual.

And now, with fear and nervous excitement, I will step forward and push the boundaries of this zone of comfort.

Kindergarten Drama

It took me a long time to decide which school I wanted to send Micah to for Kindergarten next year. Unlike some other cities/towns, we can choose any school - which, in some ways, is nice but in other ways, is not. It makes for a very difficult decision.

I knew we couldn't base our decision on the area we're living in because the chances are very slim of us staying in one place for too long. So, I had to base my decision on which school I could stick with for the long haul, and which school I would be willing to drive to even if we were living on the opposite end of town. So, in the end we chose a school where more and more of our friends are taking their kids. We've heard nothing but good things about it and I felt confident in our choice. It's a smaller, tight-knit "country-type" school that felt different from a lot of the other city schools and more like the school where I grew up. The principle is from our church as are many of the students. And once we decided that this was the place to send Micah (and the rest of our kids eventually) I became more and more excited.

I registered Micah on Monday, running around town to make sure I got all of his paperwork in so that he would be sure to get a spot. Then 2 days AFTER Kindergarten registration they decided to drop the bomb that the school might be closing! So, now we wait until the end of March to see if the school (Dunach Elementary) can have a strong enough rebuttal to keep itself open.

In the meantime I was able to register at our catchment school (Mountain Elementary) which is a great second option. The only problem is that it's not in a location that I'm willing to drive to if we suddenly end up living on the other side of town. But I'm glad we have a back-up plan at least.

For now I'm praying and holding out hope that Dunach can stay open!