Saturday, August 18, 2007

End of another week

It's Saturday morning and Erik is out with Micah running some errands and Keziah is enjoying her first cheerios in the highchair beside me. She is devouring them!

I liked what I had done with the pictures of Micah the other day so I decided to bring both kids back to the same place to try to get a good updated picture for one of my bigger frames. Getting a good shot of both of them was impossible; Keziah was so busy trying to grab the camera and Micah was refusing to sit still since I had promised him some blackberries. But I still managed to snap a few good ones in the grass. I made the colours more vibrant by using the saturation effect on Picasa2

Keziah seems to be finally making some milestones. No crawling yet, but she’s close. Here she is in her almost crawling position:

She is also finally interested in standing (her legs were always like jelly when I tried before) and she has finally discovered the joys of jumping in her exersaucer.

And yes, I noticed that both videos end with her crying… That’s our girl! I've been seeing more and more of Erik in her personality these last weeks. Not that Erik's a whiner :) But Keziah has an intensity about her that reminds me of him. And she's stingy with her smiles - which is apparently how Erik was as a baby. And he still takes life pretty seriously... So far, both kids seem to have personality traits of their dad. Maybe our next baby will have my laid-back personality???

I'm not sure what was up with Micah in that last video. He’s been doing anything to get attention lately. I recognize that it’s a result of him not getting enough attention these last weeks. Erik and I feel some days that we are always on his case about stuff and I don’t like that. I feel the need to have firm boundaries for him, but it’s hard always saying “Micah, don’t do that!” or “Leave your sister alone!” We need to be intentional in catching him in good behaviour so we can reinforce it. And we definitely need to have more quality Micah-time.

This week went by fast and Erik's got 5 days of a new job under his belt now. Life may be getting into routine for us again but each day is clouded with sadness. Some days more than others. The other day I spent an hour googling Nathan's name and information about the accident as if there would be some comfort in knowing more than I already know. Or maybe I just wanted to sit in the sadness of it all for awhile. I came across some blogs I hadn't seen before and a few other articles, etc. It's strange to read what other people are writing about everything. As I read it I'm overcome with how sad it really is. Knowing that this tragedy is "our" tragedy is sometimes a little unreal and reading about it makes it sink in all over again...

Doug & Elissa had some discouraging news yesterday. She went to have her jaw checked by an oral surgeon here in Abbotsford. He was very unimpressed with the wiring job done by the Calgary doctor and recommended that they re-do the surgery or else there might be permanent loss of feeling on one side of Elissa's jaw. Of all of Elissa's injuries I think the wired jaw has been the most frustrating and she has been counting down the weeks and days to when she will get the wires off. Now to think that it could be mid-October before it's all over feels like another big blow. They have the option of just leaving it be and hoping for the best but the doctor didn't seem too optimistic. We can always pray for a miracle right? God is definitely in the business of defying medical logic. Please pray for them as they make this decision and let's pray that another surgery wouldn't be necessary.

Yesterday marked week 4 since the accident. Four weeks that have felt both long and short. Rosanna said last night that she hates how time has elapsed since then. Every day takes us further from when Nathan was alive and with us. And every day makes us afraid that we'll start to forget him or learn to live life without him. It's feels as though we can't stand to live in the pain and grief but going on without Nathan is even scarier. Yet, none of us have a choice.

Our good friends Craig & Jen generously mailed us some great books which came yesterday. Last night I started reading “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn. I’m barely through the first chapter and I can’t wait to read more. The introduction really whet my appetite and as someone who’s grieving, I know it will bring a lot of comfort to learn more about our heavenly home where Nathan is already dwelling. I appreciated the author’s humility as he introduced his book. He was aware that many of his thoughts on heaven would seem to contradict what we, as Christians, have always thought to be true. But he has done his research and believes the scriptures have a lot more to say about Heaven than we might think. So, I’m excited to read on.

We are so consumed with the here and now that we forget that the present is just a small span of time in the matter of eternity. Not only that, but the tangible things in the present are so very temporary and intangible compared with the things of heaven. With that thought in mind, I've had this scripture running through my head this morning which I will leave you with:

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
~ 2 Corinthians 4:18


Trev & Rebekah said...

Wow that really sucks about Elissa's jaw. God is in the business of healing. We saw him do it with Trev's dad. And even though we found out he has cancer again we pray and trust He'll heal again.
Jamie, I feel for you as you and your family learn how to live on after the accident. I know you will never forget him. You will go about life with some good and some hard days.
My devos were about life handing you lemons and allowing God to make lemonade. I have no idea what God's purposes were in taking Nathan but I do hope we see some fruit of that. Though I do believe there is already fruit of it as many lives have been changed for the better.
I am glad Craig and Jen sent you some books. They are one awesome couple.

Yvonne&Eric said...

We will definitely be praying for Elissa - disappointed doesn't seem to have enough emotion behind it to describe how she must be feeling.
Praying for you & Erik as well. I hope that you're able to find a good balance of attention for Micah. I love those pictures - the colors look so good. I'll have to go back to fiddling with Picasa.

It's hard to believe that it's been 4 weeks already. Our prayers are with you all constantly. I feel for you and your pain so deeply - I can't put it into words. May you find joy in the little things and peace as you continue to live your lives.

Amber said...

Micah & Keziah are SO incredibly adorable! I love Keziah's chubby little face and the look Micah gives you after you turn the camera to him when he says he's hurt! Great pictures. And isn't it funny how most kids begin to crawl with the parents bribing them with the remote ;) Very funny. That is an amazing verse..thanks for sharing. Thinking of you!

gkder said...

Love all the pictures Jamie. Keziah has such a chubby face. I hate to dissapoint you, but when you were little, your personality was not very laid back. I remember you getting up, and we didn't dare look at you, until you went straight to the couch, and bounced for at least 10 minutes or so. You were pretty miserable when you got up. But you did become more laid back as you got older. Sorry to hear about Elissa. Her and Doug must be having a tough time with all of this. We continue to pray for lal of you. Randy Alcorn is a terrific author. Also, Woodrow Kroll from Back To The Bible is one of my favorite teachers. I ordered his CD series on heaven. Will bring it when we come, so yo can listen to it. Love you, and miss yo so much. can hardly wait to see you. love mom

kelly said...

The pictures/videos of the kids are so cute, as ever! I love the one of Keziah's lip really sticking out. Almost pouty, but not in a pouty way.

Sorry to hear about Elissa's jaw - that must be so discouraging for her. We'll be praying for a miracle!!!

That paragraph you wrote about it being 4 weeks since the accident really impacted me. It's so honest and real, so heart-wrenching. A good reminder to be diligent in prayer for you all as you try to live in this new, sad reality.

In response to your comment on my blog...whatever works for you. Of course, I'd love to see you, but whenever you're able or ready!

Anonymous said...

hi jamie!
there might be another book that helps to deal with the loss of someone who is so muched love like nathan was!
it´s called "the five people you meet in heaven"
i know some people who read it grieving and they told me that it helped!
maybe it´s an option as well?!
god´s bless!

erin said...

love the pictures. I know photoshop would help lighten up some of the faces, not sure about picassa.
We will be praying Elissa will not need surgery. I can not even imagine how frustrating this must be, especailly with a new baby.
oh and I found Liam took a long time to crawl and walk because we dont have carpet. he found the slipperness of the laminate very frustrating. He actually learned to walk on our little bit of carpet upstairs because it made him more secure.

erin said...

oh and I too was going to say we have spent some time searching for some info on the accident. Did they have anything on the Calgary news or papers cauze we couldn't find a thing.

Michelle said...

We used the remote too to get our girls to crawl....won't be too long now! I'll definately be praying for Elissa...that sucks :( Great pictures of the kids too....they're sooo cute!

Jon & Bonnie said...

I've been thinking about you guys so much this week. Craig made me an audio copy of Nate's service and I spent a lot of time this week, just listening to it and crying... grieving. Listening to you as you sang those beautiful songs, I just kept trying to picture your lives without Nate and it was just too hard to even comprehend that 'void' you must be feeling each day. I'm not sure why I even try to make any sense of all of this because I know it will never make sense, and again it just brings all the pain & confusion that I feel for you guys and Rosanna and your whole family. And yet I can't seem to shake the sad feelings each day.
I'm so happy that you're finding a way back into a "routine" and I'll continue to pray that it gets a bit easier with each day.
You guys CONSUME my thoughts and prayers, and I mean that wholeheartedly. Not a minute goes by that I'm not thinking of you. And I will definitely be praying for a miracle for Elissa's jaw injury. I can't imagine how discouraging that news must have been for her.
Jamie, your strength and transparency through all of this has just amazed me and continues to inspire me each day. God has made you to be a strong & faithful servant and I have so appreciated the way you share your heart. You truly are such a blessing.

Kara said...

Hi Jamie,
I am glad to see that you are beginning to settle into some "normalcy" these days. I continue to pray for you guys as you are figuring things out. May you experience the peace of Christ this week.

Leanne said...

Hi Jamie, I think of your family so much, still grieve for you and with you. I can't believe that it's been 4 weeks.
And I feel so deeply for Elissa, what discouraging news. We will be praying.

Janelle said...

Jamie - i so wish i could live closer and give you a hand as you try to get back to "normal". and that i could just take you away and try to distract you at times as well. you have put your whole heart into making sure your family is taken care of. seeing those videos shows that life does keep going - you see the kidlets continuing to grow & learn. i pray that you will be able to do the same.
i'm glad you found some resources that can help you during this time. and what a testimony the Toews family has been - always looking towards God. He WILL be faithful to each one of you.
those videos are awesome! but it makes me sad that Keziah is already that big & i've never even met her!! soon right??? :)
i love you so much girlie. you are a treasure in my life. and i'm always here for you!! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh that Keziah! She is going to be crawling before you know it! She looks pretty ready! You might regret wanting her to move!! Somedays I wish I only had jake to search for in our house. I love hearing your sweet voice talking to Keziah in the video! I guess I have never seen you as mommy yet- pathetic, yes. With Jessica at CBC I hope to make it to Abbotsford more often.

Sam and Heidi said...

Hi Jamie,
Thanks for the link to your blog. I love seeing how you guys are doing.

That Randy Alcorn book is great. I devoured it when I read it.

We pray for you daily.

Love Heidi

Jeff and Jocelyn said...

wow those pictures still turned out really cute, I honestly can't believe how big Keziah is getting, and she's soooo close to crawling. I feel how you feel about standing, about Aiden rolling over. Not a chance yet!
you are still so much in our thoughts and prayers Jamie, even as time is inevitably passing

Courtney and Jon said...

Thank you again for your honesty. I love to read your blog. I'm so sorry to hear about Elissa's jaw. God is the god of miracles. I connected to one of your paragraphes about what Rosanna said because I continue to look at the facebook group I joined "In loving memory of Nate Toews" and at first it doubled and tripled in size in one day and I wanted to soak in everything I could by reading and seeing the pictures. now it's slowed down a bit and I realize time is passing but for you, as the family, it is still so real. When my grandfather died I wanted life to stand still so that I could grief and feel that the world cared. I know it's difficult. I will continue to pray for you and the rest of Nate's family.