Saturday, July 28, 2007

Mourning Sickness

Nathan's burial and funeral yesterday were beautiful. We had a graveside service first in a beautiful little cemetery out in the country. Some meaningful & emotional moments included Erik & Doug (as well as dads, cousins and brothers-in-law) closing Nathan's grave by shovel and then watching afterwards as several doves were released into the sky.

The funeral was special too. God gave us strength to be on stage and to lead in worship. Rosanna's brother, Dan, is so gifted and did an amazing job. I felt so blessed and honored to be up there. We had a joy and a peace that was beyond us and I think it made it more meaningful that each person up there had a strong connection to Nate. I think it was the kind of worship service that Nathan would have loved - not because the music sounded good, but because people were genuinely entering into worship. That was his heart and his passion.

But now it is over and we no longer have the funeral plans to distract us from our grief. Now we are forced to try to resume some kind of "normal" but it feels like it can never be normal again. Our lives have never before been altered in such a devastating way and Erik and I feel overwhelmed and afraid of what the future will look like now. I'm finding that, for me, the tears are coming easier today than they have all week. Our hearts are broken. And my heart breaks even more when I think of what Rosanna has to face in the weeks and months ahead. This is her worst nightmare come true and I wish so bad that I could carry some of the pain for her.

We've been talking to Micah a little bit about what's going on. He knows that Uncle Nathan is gone and that Auntie Rosanna is sad. He knows that Uncle Nathan is with Jesus - the other day he asked me where he was and when I reminded him he said, "Uncle Nathan is at Jesus' house!" What an innocent little heart he has. Tonight I tucked Micah in and told him I was going to sing him a new song. It was a song that Nate had started writing last Thursday. We never knew how it went, but Rosanna's brother took the words that we found in his journal and put them to music. We sang it yesterday at the memorial service. The words are unbelievable considering he wrote them the day before he died. Here is a portion of it:

You're bringing me back from death to life,
Drawing me near unto your throne,
Holding my hand as I journey home.
Filling my mind with words of truth,
Touching my heart with your great love,
Jesus, you are, true life to me.
This is the way, come and walk in it
Follow my lead and never quit.
This is the way come and walk in it


Janelle said...

that song is a treasure. and how special that Micah will know it because you are singing it to him.
i know these next few weeks and months will be more than you can bear. so please let us help you in any way we can. i wish i was there to cry with you...i hope you CAN let yourself do that when you need to.
so proud of you & Erik for putting so much heart & energy & love into the service, and for having the courage to be involved. that will stay with you always.
we just can't tell you enough how much we love you, and how our thoughts are with you every day.
i just KEEP asking God to give you strength that you didn't even know you had.
HUGS Jamen. i love you.

Ej said...

Yesterday's service was a beautiful tribute to Nathan, and the song a wonderful gift. Thank you for sharing it with us - both yesterday and here on your blog. We'll be praying for you all in the coming weeks as the process of grieving happens. We're here anytime you need us. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

just wanted to say that i´m constantly praying for you and the family!
hoping that you can really FEEL the strength go is sending you these days, weeks, months.....

kelly said...

That song was amazing, and the service was beautiful. And as we continue to pray for God's peace to envelop you, we also pray that He would be glorified through this tragedy, in ways that only He can.
We love you!

Michelle said...

Oh heart aches for you and your family. Thank you for sharing Nate's song on your blog. Even with his passing, he's continuing to touch lives....mine included! I pray that you will find some comfort and peace during these hard times. You are in my prayers.

Trev & Rebekah said...

I am amazed at how for some people God has a way of letting them know He's going to take them "home." That is a beautiful song. I wish we could hear it.
Erin said that Erik is sending her a tape of the funeral so we hope to listen to it too.
Jamie, know that just because the funeral is over the prayers being sent up on your family's behalf are not going to cease.
Give yourself a huge hug from me!

Jon & Bonnie said...

It was truly one of the most beautiful, yet overwhelmingly sad days I've ever experienced. You guys did such an incredible job on stage and I couldn't help but think of how proud Nate would have been of all of you. I think the service was exactly how Nate would have wanted it--- a time of glorifying and celebrating our wonderful heavenly Father.

You all continue to dominate our thoughts and prayers and I want you to know that that won't change. We will continue to "walk with you" guys through this devastating life change and are here for ANYTHING if you need it. Just let us know.

Love you and may God continue to bring comfort and healing to you.

the salmon said...

wow! how powerful are the words and insight of that song. death is always a reminder to all of us of how short our time "here" is, and what our focus should be. thanks for turning our hearts towards God by sharing what you are going through.

i know i don't know you that well, but sister, i love you! may God continue to hold you and rosanna and erik and your family as you mourn. you are such a testimony to me.


Karen said...

yes, how true - the prayers raised to Heaven for you and your family will not cease even though the funeral is over and "normal" has resumed. Praying for peace...

Elina said...

Oh Jamie, I've been away on holidays and came back to read... your family is in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

Cheri said...

Wow Jamie: That song is so powerful and gives me tingles just to know that he wrote that the day before he died. What an amazing man of God he was! We will continue to pray for you and your family as you try to move forward and find that "normal" again. Take care...

Yvonne&Eric said...

Continuing to pray for you all Jaime. You all did an amazing job singing and the worship time was so special. I totally felt God's presence and knew that it was something Nate would have loved. I'm praying for strength for you and Erik as you adjust. God is and will continue to carry you.

Sarah E. said...

yes, life is forever changed as you know it. I will continue to pray for you and Erik as you parent Micah and Keziah and deal with your own grief. The burial service and memorial were beautiful. May God surround you today with his unending love, peace and comfort.

Lindsay said...

What a wonderful family you are a part of Jamie! My heart hurt when I heard the news although I never had the privlege of knowing Nate. As I have read blogs and posts about Nate these last few days I am struck by how wonderful your family & friends are! You have all been so open with your pain and grief yet you always focus it all back on God. I can already see how God has used Nate's life and death for His glory and I pray that you can see it too. I hope that will bring you some comfort as you grieve. I am praying for your family as you attmept to return to "normal" life.

Amber said...

those words are unbelievable...full of hope and new life. wow.