Numb

Today is day 6. Can it really only be 6 days since we heard the news? It seems like this week has been more like a month. Those first hours alone felt like days. And yet I can still hear Doug's voice on the phone saying, "Jamie, Nathan didn't make it." I can still feel myself shaking afterwards and thinking, no, no, no, no - this just can't be...

How can life change in an instant?

Erik and I are exhausted - physically and emotionally. Planning a funeral is draining. And we want it to be really good, so that makes it even more draining. On Monday morning I somehow ended up being the only one in the house (which is shared with Erik's parents) and it was overwhelming - trying to manage 2 phones ringing off the hook, answer the constant flow of people at the door, get the house in order - all while caring for two needy children. After that morning I knew I couldn't do it without some help. Thanks Christina & Lori for being here on Tuesday. I'm amazed at how the kids are handling everything and so thankful that Micah is not being shy of all these new people.

There's a lot of family here now and many more friends and family on the way. It's strange how you can be crying one minute and laughing and telling stories the next. Sometimes I feel like Nathan's just away somewhere and that he'll be back later. I think it's going to sink in tomorrow night when we see him at the viewing. Rosanna said it best though right after we picked out the casket - she said, "I'm thankful I just have to find a place to put his body and not his soul." So true. It isn't Nathan in that casket. He's already busy worshiping in eternity.

I'm going to sing at the funeral. Is that crazy? Rosanna's brother is leading worship and Erik jumped at the chance to play drums. When they mentioned today that I should sing, I felt honored and excited to be up there. It will be good, I think, but really hard.

I talked to Elissa for the first time on the phone tonight. She is being so brave right now with all the surgeries still ahead of her in the next weeks and probably months. She told me tonight that her body is so beat up. More than ever this week I understand that our bodies aren't really our homes. Just thinking of Nathan's death - I know that HE isn't dead. His body was just the place where Nathan lived while he was on earth. And with Elissa - her broken and battered body is completely out of her control. How could I think we were invincible? Somehow I did.

Tonight I had a sliver in my finger. A really painful one. Erik offered to dig it out for me and it was horrible. But I felt so ashamed that I would complain and cry over such a small pain. As Erik was digging away I just closed my eyes and thought of two girls who are not only sisters but best friends - one who is in physical pain on a hospital bed far away and one who's heart is breaking with no end in sight. It sure puts life into perspective.

The funeral is going to be powerful. God is already doing amazing things through Nathan's death. There are so many stories I could share. The ministry accomplished in one man's entire life seems to be equal to what has been accomplished already through one man's death.

Thanks again for all your support and prayers and acts of kindness. Blessings on all of you...